The Space Between Page 5

Their bodies were close. Eric was having a hard time not feeling Danielle. He wasn’t aroused, just curious. It was distracting. Danielle still felt like a part of him.

  Then, before he realized what happened, Dan escaped. Soon he wrapped his arm around Eric’s neck. He pressed his body against Eric’s back.

  “Are you even trying?” Dan asked.

  “Yes,” Eric grunted. He brought his hands under Dan’s arm. Dan only tightened his grip.

  Normally, Eric would’ve turned over. He’d try to smash his opponent into the ground. Eric wouldn’t think twice. His goal was to get out of the hold. It didn’t matter how.

  “I’m going to choke you out,” Dan whispered.

  Eric couldn’t help laughing.

  “You don’t think I can?” Dan increased his grip. He pressed his body against Eric’s.

  Eric tried to turn over. He didn’t want to hurt Dan. But he was asking for it.

  Dan repositioned himself. Eric failed to turn as Dan’s grip increased.

  Eric took a deep breath. He had to keep breathing and remain cool. Finally he brought his arms through Dan’s chokehold. He’d had to use more strength than he’d thought.

  Dan let go of him.

  Eric rolled away.

  Dan stood.

  Eric did too.

  They were both breathing hard.

  “You’re really strong,” Dan said. “I don’t remember you being so strong.”

  “You’re strong too,” Eric said. “And fast.”

  They circled each other.

  Dan threw out two quick jabs. The jabs landed on Eric’s shoulder. The punches weren’t hard, just really fast.

  Eric moved in.

  Dan shot out another jab.

  Eric stopped advancing.“You’re so quick,” he said, smiling.

  “I’ve learned some fancy moves.” Dan brought both his fists closer to his face. “Always remember—”

  Eric shot in again. He wrapped his arms around Dan’s body. Dan put his hands on Eric’s shoulders. But Eric was too strong.

  Dan dropped his hips. He tried to drive his weight into Eric. Dan was trying to sprawl and stop the advance. It wasn’t enough.

  Eric turned Dan. He was off balance. In seconds Dan was on his back. Eric was on top again. “You talk too much,” he said.

  Dan laughed.

  CHAPTER 24

  Alliance

  Eric opened a bottle of water. He eyed Dan hard and could see Danielle. But he also saw Dan. Their bodies had become one.

  “Let’s do it,” he said. He zipped up his gym bag.

  Dan turned and looked at him. “Do what?”

  Eric got nervous. He had to be careful about how he talked. This was Dan. He didn’t want his words to be taken the wrong way.

  “Let’s train together. For the tournament.” Eric took a drink of water. “You’re pretty good. You were right. We can help each other.”

  “Okay,” Dan said excitedly. In that moment he looked like Danielle. But it didn’t last. She was Dan again. Eric figured there weren’t many of those moments left.

  He wanted to train with Dan. But he didn’t want people to know. Could he tell Dan not to say anything? That wouldn’t be cool.

  He didn’t get what Dan was doing. Why the gender change? He also didn’t understand their new relationship. But he was happy to have some of the closeness back. It was a lot different than before, but so what?

  “If we end up facing off in the tournament,” he said. “Wait, like that’s ever going to happen.”

  “Yeah,” Dan said. “You’ll be lucky to get past your first match.”

  They laughed together.

  Eric and Danielle used to tease each other all the time. Mostly when they were in elementary school. As they got older, it changed.

  Eric had liked Danielle. He didn’t want her to think he was always dissing her. She had eased up. Instead of teasing him, Danielle had become more supportive.

  “In all seriousness? You are good, Danielle.” He’d been thinking too much about the past. “I mean Dan.”

  They stared at each other.

  “Sorry.”

  “It’s okay,” Dan said. “You’re getting there.”

  CHAPTER 25

  Friends?

  Coach said to hang around for sixth period,” Liam said.

  Eric was walking with Liam and Lance. For sixth period they both had varsity sports. Sometimes they went home and came back for practice later.

  Eric had Algebra 2.

  “No he didn’t!” Lance said.

  “Yes he did.”

  “Well, I’m going home. I’m starving. I’ll come back after.”

  “That’s cool.” Liam smiled. “Hope you like not starting anymore.”

  “He’s not going to bench me.”

  “Yeah. Okay.”

  Eric laughed at their banter. They were always arguing about something. If they weren’t bickering, they had three things in common. Girls. Sports. Food.

  Eric didn’t mind. Sometimes he liked talking about different things. Like how he felt about something. And why he felt that way.

  He had meaningful conversations with Sensei Chen. Sometimes he could talk to his mom like that too. But never with Lance and Liam. Or with his dad.

  Dan walked past Eric. He was talking to a girl. She had long brown hair. The girl wore a Nirvana T-shirt and a pink sundress. Eric thought she was cute. The two were deep in conversation. Dan didn’t even see him.

  Eric looked away. Friends didn’t have to say hi all the time. It was enough that they practiced after school. They didn’t need to complicate things.

  “That she-man has pulled a decent chick,” Lance said. Dan and the girl were past them now. “For him. Or her. Or whatever.”

  Liam snorted. “That guy gives me the creeps,” he said. “Good for him, though. That girl is in for a big surprise.”

  They told a few more jokes, then laughed.

  Eric barely cracked a smile. He didn’t like what his friends were saying. But he wasn’t about to defend Dan. He didn’t think he had to. Dan would never find out what they’d said.

  Eric should’ve called his friends out. The right thing to do was to defend Dan. But he just couldn’t. What was he feeling? How would he defend Dan? Lance and Liam would tear him to shreds. They’d laugh him out of school. He didn’t think those guys would understand. He’d have to explain his relationship to Dan. How he used to be Danielle. How she’d been the first girl he’d ever loved.

  “Later, guys,” he said. He turned and went to his math class.

  Algebra would take his mind off Dan. But in class his brain screamed, “Coward! Coward!”

  Deep down he was scared. He wouldn’t be able to live in these two worlds forever.

  CHAPTER 26

  No Safe haven

  Eric’s dad sat at a table in the living room. Eric passed him on his way to the front door. He was holding his gym bag.

  “Finish your homework?” he asked.

  The checkbook was out. It was the time of the month to pay bills. There was a laptop on the table too.

  Eric’s family wasn’t poor. But they didn’t have a lot of money. Unlike many of his friends, both his parents worked. Eric often heard them talking about money. The conversation was usually about how tight it was.

  Eric knew his dad was probably in a bad mood. Paying the bills made him grouchy.

  “Yeah,” Eric said. “I didn’t have much today.”

  His dad eyed the gym bag. “Don’t you normally go to the center before you come home?” he asked.

  “I’m not going to the center,” Eric said.

  “Where are you going?”

  It would have been easier to lie. He didn’t want to. Acting like he didn’t know Dan at school was one thing. Eric didn’t want to do that at home. He shouldn’t have to. Especially since the families knew each other. There was a history.

  “Dan’s.”

  Eric’s dad stared at him. His face was blank.<
br />
  Eric moved toward the door. He put his hand on the doorknob. One turn and he’d be out of the house. He could avoid talking about Dan with his dad.

  “Eric, why are you hanging out with her? Him?”

  Eric looked at his dad.

  “I don’t like you hanging out with Dan Bonum.”

  “It’s only for the tournament, Dad.”

  Eric didn’t want to say more about the competition. What if he and Dan both won? They would face each other. Everybody would see the match. Eric tried not to think about it.

  “You’re wrestling each other. Eric, you’ve got to be much stronger than Dan. You could hurt him.”

  Him. Eric’s dad had used the correct pronoun. This was progress.

  “Dan’s tough.”

  “You’ve gone over there before? Didn’t I tell you I don’t want—”

  “Dad,” Eric interrupted. “I’m not going to become like Dan.”

  “What will people say?”

  “We’re not rolling in public. We’re in his house.”

  Eric’s dad sighed. He shook his head.

  “Besides,” Eric went on. “It’s just until tournament. I need to roll. Sensei Chen wants us to take it easy. I don’t want to lose my intensity.”

  “And Dan helps you?”

  “Daddy?” Madison had walked into the room. “When’s Mommy coming home?”

  “She’ll be home soon. I’m about to start dinner.”

  “I’ll be back in an hour and a half.” Eric quickly went outside. He jogged down the street. Outside, he felt free. The air was fresh.

  Eric loved competing on the mat. He loved the fight. Real life sucked. Confrontation was hard. But lately confrontation off the mat seemed to be the norm.

  CHAPTER 27

  The Moment

  Eric walked into the garage. He’d changed into his workout clothes in the bathroom.

  Dan was stretching on the mat. His back was to Eric. The compression clothes he wore were tight. Eric couldn’t stop staring. He knew he shouldn’t. Something had to be done. Why was he feeling this way? He felt something in his stomach. Excitement. It shot through his entire body. What if Dan saw his reaction?

  “Girl or boy,” Dan said slowly. “I know you’re still into me.”

  “Like you’re not into me,” Eric said. He couldn’t believe they were talking like this. Where would it lead?

  Danielle had become Dan. But he was still a girl, right?

  “Eric?” Dan stood up and smiled. “Would I be going through this if I was still into you?”

  What could he say? He was bummed. First he’d struck out with Michelle. Now he was striking out with a girl who wanted to be a boy.

  “Relax,” Dan said, laughing. “I still look at you from time to time.”

  “Really?”

  “Sure. Just like you look at me. What? You think I don’t notice?”

  “So, what are you into?” Eric had to know. Knowing he had no chance would make things easier. It would mean Danielle was totally gone. Eric wouldn’t have to worry about the past. He could leave everything behind.

  “I’m not sure yet.”

  Eric looked away. He could feel Danielle’s presence more than he could feel Dan’s. This was hard. Harder than he expected.

  “It took me so long to get here. To not feel so disconnected from my true self. I’m finally comfortable in my own skin. The way I was born no longer limits me. Why would I put a limit on who I’m into?”

  Eric nodded like he understood. But he didn’t. “Let’s just roll,” he said. He walked over to the mat.

  “Eric, you know I still like you. It’s just different now.”

  “I know,” he said. “I guess I wish it wasn’t.”

  They stared at each other.

  “Did you feel that way before? Disconnected? When we were together?”

  “I think I did.”

  Eric frowned.

  “But it wasn’t because of you,” Dan said. “I needed to really look at myself. That’s when I discovered I’m truly Dan.”

  “Are you still a girl?” Eric asked. He’d finally said it. “Like, down there?”

  “Yes,” Dan said with a chuckle. “I’m still a girl ‘down there.’ ”

  “I’m sorry.” Eric sighed. This was uncomfortable. He regretted coming over. Maybe his dad was right. Should he stay away?

  “You have to be over 18 to have the reassignment surgery,” Dan said. “Do you have any other questions?”

  They stood across from each other on the mat.

  “Look, I don’t mean—”

  “Eric, seriously. Ask me anything.”

  “I just … I don’t always know how to say it.”

  “It’s okay, really. I’m happy you care at all.”

  Eric and Dan were rolling. Knowing Dan was still a girl changed things. It made his body feel more like Danielle’s.

  Dan shifted. The boys faced each other. Dan stared at Eric as they grappled.

  Eric watched Dan’s lips. His face looked so much like Danielle’s.

  Usually, Eric would turn and get on top of his opponent. It was a great move to win it. But instead he wrapped his arms around Dan. Then his lips touched Dan’s. It was brief. And it felt like old times.

  Dan froze.

  Eric moved in again. This next kiss was slower. What kind of time machine was this? Would this bring Danielle back?

  Both of their hearts pounded.

  Dan wrapped his arms around Eric’s neck.

  Eric pulled away. This was wrong. Danielle wasn’t coming back.

  Dan sat up.

  “I’m so sorry,” Eric said. “I just … Danielle … Dan.” He got up to leave.

  “Eric, it’s okay,” Dan said. He stayed on the mat. “We used to be together. I understand.”

  “Yeah,” Eric said sadly. He grabbed his gym bag and left the garage.

  CHAPTER 28

  Even Worse

  So, Eric,” Jason Terrell said. “Ready to have your picture taken?”

  Jason wrestled for Starling. He was a short and stocky heavyweight.

  “What?” Eric asked.

  Eric was with Adam and Jason. They stood near the cafeteria. He’d come to school early that morning. Last night’s sleep had been terrible. He kept thinking about Dan.

  That kiss … What had he been thinking? He’d liked it. That was bad. Eric couldn’t like kissing Dan. Even though Dan was still a girl, he was transitioning. Eric knew himself. He wasn’t into that. But he’d liked the kiss, and that bothered him.

  “Some newspapers are covering the tournament,” Adam said.

  “Really?” Eric asked nervously. He had a feeling he knew why.

  “You might be on TV, bro!” Jason fake-punched Eric.

  “Yeah. It’s because of that Dan guy,” Adam said. “It’s the first time someone like him has competed in an MMA tournament here. My mom was reading about it this morning.”

  Eric wanted to throw up. Practicing with Dan in private was one thing. But now Dan would be under a microscope. Every bout would be examined. Dan’s every move would be watched and talked about.

  Kids at school would know what Dan was. They would find out about Eric’s past with Danielle. This was even more true if they competed against each other.

  The media would love a story like that.

  The bell rang.

  Eric walked away, shaking. He was thankful he could hide out in first period.

  CHAPTER 29

  Outed

  Eric walked to lunch. Dan moved up beside him. “I made the paper,” he said, smiling.

  Go away, Eric thought. Why can’t you just leave? Maybe if I ignore you, you’ll get the hint.

  “And a bunch of websites,” Dan said. “Looks like competing in that tournament is kind of historic. Because of what’s going on with me, you know?”

  “Uh-huh,” Eric said.

  They walked in silence. Eric could feel Dan’s eyes on him. Those beautiful eyes. He wouldn
’t look into them. Never again.

  “You want to roll later? It’s been a few days.”

  Eric could tell Dan was smiling. He hated it. Dan was messing with him. Teasing him. Maybe even leading him on. Wasn’t what he felt important too? Didn’t Dan realize he was affecting other people?

  “I’m going to be at the center a lot,” Eric said. He tried to speak without emotion. Dan would get it. The conversation would be over.

  “Eric,” Dan said urgently. He tugged at Eric’s arm. “There’s nothing wrong with what happened the other day. Don’t worry. You’re not gay or anything.”

  “Nothing happened.” Eric shrugged. He moved away, leaving Dan alone.

  “E-Dawg!” Lance called.

  Eric looked over. Lance stood with Liam. He wanted to be alone. But hanging around those two was better than being seen with Dan.

  “What’s up?” Eric smiled as he walked over. “Nothing,” Liam said.

  “You coming to our game this weekend?” Lance asked. “We’re in CIF.”

  The school’s varsity football team was doing well. They hadn’t lost a game yet.

  “I want to,” he said.

  “You’d better,” Liam said. “We’re coming to your tournament.”

  “Hey!” a voice called out.

  Eric froze. It was Dan.

  Lance and Liam looked at him. Eric slowly turned around.

  Dan stared at Eric with fury. “We made out a few days ago,” he said, pointing at Eric. “We used to make out all the time. Hope it’s cool they know, bro.” Then he stormed off.

  Eric was flooded with feelings. He was embarrassed, enraged, and hurt all at once. What should he do? He took a deep breath. It was what Sensei Chen always said to do. “I think he has the wrong guy,” he said calmly.

  Lance and Liam stared at him. Their looks were curious, nothing more.

  Then Lance high-fived Eric. “Man, Eric …” He shook Eric’s hand. “You’re too nice. I would have killed that freak for lying.”

  “What’s its deal?” Liam asked. “Why does it hate you?”

  “I don’t know,” Eric said. “He’s probably trying to mess with me before the tournament. The dude’s in it to win.”